Hello, friends, and welcome to Spring!
And now that we’re all here, how about we commit to a new healthier lifestyle? We will get in shape and lose weight, so that when we don our bikinis and head into the ocean in a few months, our fellow beach goers won’t fear a tsunami.
The best part about this get in shape-and-lose weight program is that there is absolutely nothing to buy or subscribe to! As a matter of fact, you already know all the tools that we will employ, but I will discuss them in a way that will be totally relateable to you and your life!
Just think of me as Oprah. Without the millions. Or the hundreds thousands. The poor woman’s Oprah, if you will, if you can allow yourself to imagine such a horror.
Here we go!
Drink Water. It’s not your fault that Jesus turned it into wine!
Skip the Elevator. Whenever possible, take the stairs instead. Try to go to the top of the Empire State Building at least twice a day.
Load Up on Vegetables. You’ll know you’ve had enough when the broccoli in your supermarket starts screaming upon your approach.
Burn More Calories. I think this means that dinner’s not done until you see flames shooting out of the oven. Crispy!
Breastfeed as Long as Possible. If you weaned your child before you reached your ideal weight, resume the breastfeeding process now. Bonus! Hoisting a 90 pound middle-schooler on your lap is great triceps workout!
Walk More. Strap on a pedometer and get walking. Aim for 10,000 steps a day. To refill your water glass.
Do Your Workout First Thing in the Morning. Preferably in your sleep.
And don’t forget other successful weight losing tools, like getting your hair cut and shaving your legs. It all adds up!
Why now that I got this post off my chest, I feel lighter already!
Got any tips to share?
One year ago ...
- Quoting Stalin - 2012
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: hokgardner
April 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm
I sleptwalked through my run this morning, so I’m already on my way!
Twitter: kirida
April 4, 2011 at 5:38 pm
I’ve been eating lots of high-protein, low-fat foods like white fish. I’ve been filling up on veggies, too. Plus, whenever I do stray from my diet, I really enjoy it. And I’ve lost 21 pounds since the beginning of the year.
Contract a 24-hour stomach virus. Just be sure it’s during the week – don’t want to ruin the weekend.
I can’t believe I forgot about that. And that flesh eating disease.
Twitter: grandemocha
April 4, 2011 at 11:34 pm
I got food poisoning on Sat & lost 2 lbs by Sunday night.
Twitter: ohmommy
April 4, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Thanks Marinka! I am totally shaving my legs before NOLA.
could you please send a note to my husband as to why i just breastfed a 10 and 12 yr old? thanks, coach!
I’ve got myself a foolproof weight loss plan this spring – it’s called having a baby 🙂
Because even though I’ll end up heavier than before the wee one starting growing inside me, her exit will at least ensure that I’ll be lighter than I am now! 😉
That’s fantastic! I’m so, so thrilled for you.
True fact: After my daughter was born, I weighed myself and I weighed more than I did when I was pregnant. It was one of those Medical Mysteries situations.
I’m sure that won’t happen to you and you’ll be Giselle.
Twitter: grandemocha
April 4, 2011 at 11:36 pm
I weighed the same before I delivered as I did when I got home from the hospital. I couldn’t believe that baby + goop = no weight loss for me.
HAHA! I wonder if I could find random children on the street to breast feed? I mean, I have never had kids, so I am not sure how it will work. However, I am sure that the chasing of said child down, and then running from the police will be sufficient!
EW!!!
That sounds like a fantastic plan! Short sprints can only enhance our weight loss program.
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
April 4, 2011 at 7:01 pm
i love the idea to start breastfeeding your middle schooler. Brilliant.
Twitter: MommysMartini
April 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm
Your version of burning more calories will ABSOLUTELY work because it will have a direct correlation to how many calories one will consume (who eats burned food, after all?). Genius.
Might I also suggest finding an energetic activity that one actually enjoys? Personally, I’m ice skating. I have huuuuuge aspirations to get good enough to wear short sparkly skirts and look all poetic on skates. This will take a lot of work. But it’s way more fun than running nowhere fast on a treadmill. (Also, the delusions of grandeur do wonders for keeping up one’s mood.)
Twitter: wendiaarons
April 4, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Very funny! Just like http://Www.Wendiaarons.com!
Twitter: allfookeduptoo
April 4, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I’m sorry…I’m on the wrong site. I thought this was Motherhood in NYC but I see by the subject matter that there’s no way in HELL that Marinka would write this stuff.
My bad…
Twitter: NorthWestMommy
April 4, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Can we fix (do) it? Yes we can!! (payback for the wonder pets song I have been humming old day!)
Twitter: Peajaye
April 4, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Hey, you know what has a lot of calories and is expensive to boot? Alcohol! And once you stop drinking and have that overdue nervous breakdown, you’re sure to lose some extra weight in the loony bin! You’re welcome!
But the wine dulls the pain! Please don’t take the wine from me, mister.
Ethnic food killed far more people then all the genocides and holocausts together.
Nobody needs as much food as it is consumed.
Cut one meal out of your day and you will see difference within a week regardless of whether you working out or not.
Good luck to all you fats.
Twitter: melissacop
April 4, 2011 at 8:36 pm
ACTUALLY – you are totally wrong. I agree about the amount of food consumed. BUT if you eat less than 1200 calories a day you will gain weight. Totally messes with the metabolism.
Ohnoyoudiidnt tell my papa that he was wrong!
Be afraid.
And I can’t believe you put quote marks around Holocaust.
::stirring the pot::
Twitter: vboykis
April 5, 2011 at 11:50 am
Thank you for addressing each of my fats individually!
Twitter: scarymommy
April 4, 2011 at 8:23 pm
We just discovered rats in our basement. Big ones. I haven’t eaten since. Seems like a diet plan I could actually stick to.
Twitter: rimarama
April 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm
I heard that a Brazilian wax will shave off at least a pound and one pants size.
Twitter: ssmirnov
April 4, 2011 at 8:36 pm
You left out the most useful weight-loss tip of all: “Eat smaller, more frequent meals.” My advice is to combine selections from the orange food group throughout the day: e.g. Reese’s, Cheetos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish (oops, that’s a client. Sue me, FTC).
I was thinking about a tapeworm. Then you could still eat what you wanted.
Twitter: amommyinthecity
April 4, 2011 at 9:39 pm
The stomach virus will do wonders for weight loss!
Twitter: peaceloveguac
April 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm
It’s a well-known fact that tweeting burns calories.
Twitter: sellabitmum
April 4, 2011 at 11:16 pm
I cut my fingernails. I feel lighter already.
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
April 5, 2011 at 1:19 am
You forgot about sex! And having some!
As matter of fact, so did I! Here we go!
Stop eating chocolate. It just makes you fat. Instead, switch to chocolate-covered caramels. All of that chewing actually burns calories, kind of like celery.
Breastfeeding’s so not working for me. Probably because with every snack I think “I need to take in extra calories to produce milk.” Big mothering fail.
I like your programme – I’ll do that instead. Not sure if my six year old will agree to be put back onto breast milk, though.
You forgot : ‘clean out your purse’ for me it means at least five pounds less to drag along each day.
You’re hilarious. I loved this:
Breastfeed as Long as Possible. If you weaned your child before you reached your ideal weight, resume the breastfeeding process now. Bonus! Hoisting a 90 pound middle-schooler on your lap is great triceps workout!
Haha!
I’ve started my diet. Glad we are in this together. I’m not eating carbs. Day 2 and I’m MISERABLE. I can’t do any ‘normal’ diets, though, I cheat all the time , and I need to lose A LOT before summer. I hate myself and all the food I inhaled this winter! Also, THIS is my reward for quitting smoking? Gaining 10 pounds? Damn. So tempted to take it up again…
Anyway! Yay diets! (*Crying so hard*)
Twitter: jukeboxbarb
April 5, 2011 at 10:30 am
If anyone has a dental bridge, remove.
Chocolate is an appetite suppressant. It works for me.
Twitter: missbritt
April 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I finding pooping to be the most effective way to lose weight quickly.
I’m just going naked all spring. Clothes weigh so much these days.
Twitter: osnsmom
April 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm
You know, that’s where I went wrong. I stopped breast feeding when Ari was a year old, and packed on 15 lbs. I really should have continued for the sheer delight of shedding the poundage.
Twitter: noshoppingliz
April 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I got food poisoning several weeks ago. It worked better than any health plan I’ve been on in ten years. Also, whenever I see someone coughing in public, I try to stand close and catch his/her cold. Coughing is excellent for stomach definition.
A few years ago, I bought a mini trampoline at the sporting goods store and starting jumping on it every time I watched TV. If I wasn’t jumping on it, I couldn’t watch TV was my rule. I lost a few pounds and it lessened my cellulite. Forrealz.
Twitter: FairlyOddMother
April 5, 2011 at 9:34 pm
I tried that 10,000 step walking thing and it was a NIGHTMARE. I’d walk EVERYWHERE and look at my pedometer: “6000 steps”. Are you friggin’ kidding me? I only hit 10,000 steps ONCE and it was on a day that I went for a run, did yard work, went food shopping and basically never sat down. I think someone put too many zeroes in that suggestion.
Twitter: gonnakillhim
April 6, 2011 at 7:24 am
I was last seen in the wild in a bikini when Marky Mark was still a rapper.
Riding the elevator to the top of the Empire State Building made me exhausted.
Twitter: HipMom
April 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Way ahead of you: I did a Tracy Anderson workout yesterday (that is still causing pain in all kinds of odd places), got a haircut today, and I’m sure my biceps got a good workout from stirring the muffin dough and lifting the tray in and out of the oven.
guffaw!
Some good tips in there actually.