From the monthly archives:

March 2010

1. A month before beloved wife’s birthday, say, “so your birthday is coming up, any ideas of what you’d like?”

2. Take her at face value when she says, glancing lovingly at you and the children, “What more could I possibly want? I have everything I need right here.”

3. A week later, find a voodoo doll of yourself next to the Cartier catalog.

4. Approach beloved, and possible premenopausal wife, and ask again, “any special requests for your birthday, honey?”

5. Become mildly alarmed when she snaps, “What does Hallmark suggest for ‘passing youth’?”

6. Become medium alarmed upon discovery that voodoo doll seems to have a cast on both arms and is now using crutches.

7. Attempt to distract wife with Good News! “Honey, we are going to be spending your birthday in white water rafting in Virginia!”

8. After Googling “fainting spells”, attempt to revive wife.

9. Answer wife’s questions of “what fresh hell is this?” and “we’re all going to drown and/or die of hypothermia” with a confident, “that’s really unlikely.” Ask wife, nicely, to stop referring to it as white waterboarding.

10. Become alarmed when find voodoo doll buried in cat’s litter box.

11. Enjoy silent treatment from wife.

12. A lot.

13. Achoo.


15. Cancel white water rafting trip. Tell wife that there will be no white water rafting on her birthday.

16. Sit back and she exclaims, “this is the best birthday present ever!”


Laundry Shock

by Marinka on March 30, 2010

“Husbandrinka,” I gasp. “Something shocking happened.”
“I was in our building’s laundry room, and someone’s clothes were all done in the dryer and because they weren’t there to take them out, I did.” I paused for dramatic effect, which Husbandrinka mistook for the end of the story.
“Wow, are you ok?” he asked.
“As I was saying,” I continued. “I’m taking out the clothes, and it’s all normal things, t-shirts, pants, men’s underwear, women’s underwear.”
“This is good stuff.”

(Parenthetically, Husbandrinka’s attitude is exactly why Snapped is the best show ever. It’s so relatable!)

“So then, I’m going along with the laundry and minding my business, when who do you think appears?”
“A Genie?”
“No, Harvey.”
“Harvey! You know, the old guy downstairs? The old guy whose wife died? And it turns out that the clothes that I took out were his clothes. Question: Why does he have women’s underwear in there? Do you think he’s wearing his dead wife’s underwear?”
“Maybe he has a girlfriend.”
“A girlfriend? His wife just died.”
“She died five years ago. Anyway, why do you care?”
“I care because I saw him with women’s underwear so now he knows that I know and he’ll probably try to eliminate me.”
“What is this, American Idol?”
“Haha. Ha. By the way, you came up with that girlfriend scenario pretty quickly. Nice to know how you’re planning to mourn me once I’m gone.”
“Five years after you’re dead, I’m hoping to date again.”
“I like how you used “you’re dead” and “hope” in the same sentence. Lovely.”
“Besides, older widowers are at a premium. You know how pushy widows can be.”
“You are obviously overcome with grief-to-be and have lost your mind.”
“I’m just saying that maybe Harvey was washing his girlfriend’s underwear.”
“I am not speaking to you anymore.”
“Except I will say that you have never, not once, did my laundry, and I really resent that you’re going to be doing her laundry.”
“I promise that I won’t.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.”


Pink Thing

March 29, 2010

I was talking to mama on the phone the other day when she asked me if I knew the singer Pink. Because I am superhip and phat, I said “but of course!” and I hoped that she didn’t ask me what songs she sang because I had no clue. “How come her name is Pink?” […]

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Going to BlogHer? Start Worrying!

March 26, 2010

If you’re going to BlogHer in New York City this year and haven’t started panicking about yet, you are wasting valuable time. Yes, I know that it’s not until August, but trust me, it’ll be here before you know it and then you’ll be all “why didn’t I listen to Marinka and pace out my […]

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March 25, 2010

Young Ladrinka came home after a brief but meaningful playdate on Sunday to announce that his friend’s mom is having a baby. And that the baby “will be out in August.” There were many things wrong with this statement, of course, because the baby is not a movie, although when I accused him of being […]

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There’s No Easy Way to Say This

March 24, 2010

There is no easy way to say this, but through no fault of my own, I seem to have joined a cult. Now, the good news is that it doesn’t seem to be one of those cults where you have to hide your young because I’m into ritual sacrifices or anything, although I’m still learning […]

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Eating Healthy

March 23, 2010

Recently I became a vegetarian. Because I don’t want to die of high cholesterolism. But I also don’t want to sound self-centered, so I decided to lie to everyone and tell them that I’m now a vegetarian because “I love animals”. It’s hard to say that with a straight face, so I have to practice […]

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March 22, 2010

I feel better. Yesterday after I posted and cried, my daughter and I went to the zoo, to visit some relatives. There were people there with their toddlers and I looked at them longingly, thinking back to the idyllic days when my own daughter was so portable. And then as I approached them, smiling like […]

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