From the monthly archives:

April 2011

We Weekly Chat!

by Marinka on April 30, 2011

WE Weekley 06 We Weekly Chat!

Forgive me, friends, for I have sinned.

For I have gone weeks without hosting a We Weekly Chat.

Let’s have an absolutory glass of Chardonnay and move on, shall we? This week, in Us Weekly:

Screen shot 2011 04 29 at 8.16.14 PM1 We Weekly Chat!

* A three-way Who Wore It Best-offm with Jordin Sparks getting the bronze with a mere 7%. I think US Weekly should have it be between 40 people, just to make it more mathematically interesting.

*The Feud of the Week is between Donald Trump and Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry refused to perform at Donald’s son’s charity gala. I don’t think there’s a bigger asshole than Donald Trump in NYC right now, but this is his son! And it’s for charity. And yet, I’m on Jerry’s side.

* Hey, do you have a body part that you hate? You’re not alone! Stars hate your body parts, too! What? Oh, they hate their own. Gwynneth Paltrow hates her “long, square butt.” And Angelina hates her lips. Poor thing.

* 53% of US readers don’t think that Lindsay Lohan should play Victoria Gotti. I don’t know why.

* Stars They’re Just Like US! Look at Halle Berry, feeding a parking meter like a mortal! And Leighton Meester walking her dog. And not on water, either! Whoa, is that Ryan Philippe using his cell phone?!

* The cover story is about Khloe Kardashian being tortured for her weight! Even by her mom! I can’t bring myself to care about this story at all. Unless her mom was waterboarding her, of course. Then I’ll be all over it.

* The Twilight kids filmed a honeymoon scene. And there’s a photo of Kristen Stewart smoking. I guess she’s waiting for the studies on smoking to come in more conclusively.

* Adulterers LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian got married. Mazel Tov to the happy couple. I’m fuming because they chose “I Got You Babe” as their song and that was MY SONG WITH HUSBANDRINKA.

* Secrets of the Bride: A source confides to having seen a pack of Camel Lights in Kate’s purse. OMG. I always thought she was a Marlboro Reds kind of commoner. Also, and please prepare yourself, but apparently Kate is known to recycle her look. She’s been photographed wearing the same jacket on four separate occasions. Thanks for stealing my fashion secret, Kate!

* Just as I was becoming nervous that this would be the one issue of US Weekly where I didn’t see a photograph of pregnant Hate Kudson (fine. Kate Hudson), there’s a Q&A with her about her New Baby Bliss. Please don’t confuse it with her Old Baby Inertia.

That’s all I got from US Weekly this week!

What caught your eye?

US Weekly cover credit

{ 11 comments }

I already counted as high as I possibly could. I even used a calculator to get a higher number.

But I’m still annoyed.

And before I talk myself out of being annoyed, I wanted to put it out to those nearest and dearest to me. On the internet.

So.

I’ve mentioned before that Young Ladrinka, my 9 year old son has some reading issues. I mean, he knows how to read, but he’s not great at retaining what he reads, figuring out what’s important in the book and filling in the gaps that the author leaves to the reader’s imagination.

This struggle has been going on for a few years and I’ve had a myriad of reactions, starting with, reading with him, reading to him, reading alongside him, discussing what we read together, banning use of the Wii and the DS and TV and possibly oxygen, and ending with a Homer-Bart desire to strangle.

If you’re going through this with your child right now, let me just give you a heads up that screaming READ, DAMN IT, I BEG OF YOU! also doesn’t work. Go figure.

Finally, the school recommended a reading tutor and I was sort of relieve because I’m always looking for new and creative ways to spend money that I don’t have.

But I was resigned to it, and then the school dropped the other shoe. No reading tutors were available because it was the middle of the school year and on Illiterate Manhattan Island a good reading tutor goes faster than something else that goes very fast in a booming economy.

We were on a waiting list. For a reading tutor.

All of this was supremely irritating to me, but I took it as a sign that God wants me to buy new shoes with the money. And maybe get some Botox. But before I could complete those purchases in fulfillment of the prophesy, I got the good news that a tutor had become available.

This was a happy day indeed. We rejoiced at our good fortune, booked an appointment and refinanced the apartment. Because, and I’m sorry if I’d been too subtle about this point, but the tutoring, it’s expensive. (Really. Give the READ, DAMN IT, I BEG YOU another shot. Maybe I gave up too soon.)

As Young Ladrinka and I walk over to the tutoring session this afternoon, I explain to him that this is a time to work, to study, and not to make small talk and make jokes. And he tells me that he’ll only make a few jokes, not too much and that most of the time will be devoted to bettering himself in the reading arts.

We meet the tutor and the two of them disappeare to remold Young Ladrinka into The Reader of the Century. I sit back with a copy of US Weekly and relax, reading about how Ethan Hawke’s new wife is pregnant with their second child. I send a lighthearted tweet out about how horrible it must be to have been married to Uma Thurman and now be married to someone who is most definitely not Uma Thurman. I am happy because I am helping Young Ladrinka.

And also because I am reading US Weekly.

After some time, Young Ladrinka and his tutor re-appear. They are smiling and talking and I can see that the session was a great hit.

“How did it go?” I ask, expecting to be lavished with praise on my excellent parenting skills to say nothing of my flawless skin.

“Really well,” she tells me, accepting the check written with my blood and tears. “We didn’t really do that much reading today, we were just chatting and getting to know each other.”

This is where the soothing music in my head stops playing and I start rummaging in my purse for Jason’s Friday the 13th mask.

“You didn’t read?” I ask, all fake smiley.

“We read a chapter, but we were establishing a rapport,” she explains. Totally failing to establish a rapport with me.

Also, for anyone out there, this is how you establish a rapport with a 9 year old boy:

Do you like Pokemon and pizza? Me, too!

When I finally came to, I managed to explain that I’d appreciate if they concentrated more on reading and less on building their relationship. She agreed, but I could tell that I had the wrong reaction. Like I was supposed to applaud this rapport building, encourage further rapport building with some bridge building thrown in for good measure.

So tell me, is it me? Is it I? Is it too much to ask that a reading tutor focus on reading? Because maybe there’s a way to build rapport while reading, no? Look at the rapport I’ve achieved through US Weekly!

I am trying to be open minded. Because this tutor came highly recommended and a 45 minute session is not too much to sacrifice if she will be able to help Young Ladrinka in the long run.

What do you think?

I can take it.

{ 85 comments }

Mild

April 28, 2011

I appear to be having a mild nervous breakdown. It’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure. But just in case, steer clear of bell towers for the next few days. See, last weekend we were all supposed to go to North Carolina to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ with my in-laws, but my daughter […]

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I Don’t Know What To Believe

April 26, 2011

Remember the vaginal moisturizer pitch that some bloggers received? Well, apparently it was sent by an intern. An innocent, vaginally rejuvenating mistake. And yesterday I got another weird pitch. I’m not clear what the email was promoting, but it warned mothers not to permit their teens to get their ears elfed. Leave it to “Star […]

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Last Month

April 25, 2011

Last month my BlackBerry died, peacefully, in its sleep, surrounded by family. For five weeks before then, it was on life support but I just wasn’t ready to pull the plug. It’s not my fault. It worked, mostly. OK, so the e and the c keys didn’t work, but I devised a system whereby an […]

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I See Your Teacup Puppy and Raise You a Salad Spinner Cat

April 22, 2011

Have you seen those teacup puppies? source Apparently they are puppies so small that they can fit into a teacup. Why this is a good thing, I have no idea. Probably some kind of a Tea Party scam. I’m the type of weirdo who likes to have tea in her teacup and not a puppy. […]

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In Case of Sudden Death

April 20, 2011

Yesterday afternoon I was walking to the subway, when suddenly I realized that if I were murdered on my way home, no one would pick up the kids from school. And with my personality, it’s sort of a miracle that I haven’t been repeatedly murdered already. I nearly keeled over from the weight of that […]

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Liar

April 19, 2011

My husband is driving me crazy. Oh, don’t worry, I still love him, of course, but that man is incapable of lying. And not just the white lies, like when I ask him if I look like I’ve lost weight and he looks at me and says “no, but I think you gained some.” But […]

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